An Open Letter to Preeclampsia

"Sure, I would have preferred a nice hotel and massage, but three weeks on a intermittently-inflating bed and 5am blood draws were a close approximation. While not having to get out of bed to pee was a nice touch, I have to say that I would have liked a chance to look into what other spa services were available."
Pregnant Chicken

Shower Games That Don't Suck

What I have come to realize over the last decade of babypalooza (I’m just at that age, I suppose) is that most of you hate them, too. However, I’m sure someone is reading this and thinking, “No! I love to sniff melted chocolate in diapers! There is nothing I love more than stilted conversations as we carefully avoid saying certain words! I WIN ALL THE CLOTHESPINS.” You have fun with all that shit. Us introverts and antisocial cynics will be over on the other side of the room pretending we don’t
National Lampoon | The Humor Magazine Est 1970

Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of It has come to our attention that you have been engaged in prolonged subterfuge pursuant to the mythology of “climate change.” Your refusal to put forth a traditional winter for the period of 2016 – 2017 is in direct violation of the Climate Hoax Establishment Action Protocol (CHEAP), established January 20, 2017. The use of 80 degree days in February undermines the mission of the EPA by acknowledging the potential for measurable global warming. As you are aware, climate ch
The Huffington Post

Growth Vs Proficiency: An Illustrated Open Letter To Ms. DeVos

It became quite clear during your nomination hearing that you don’t really know that much about education. Or guns or bears or sexuality. Three of those four things seem like important topics for Secretary of Education. You really appeared to stumble when asked about growth vs proficiency. Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on education. I don’t have to. Nobody nominated me for the highest position on the subject. I will stick to analogies. I’m good at those.
Sammiches & Psych Meds

Depressed Mother Views Meme, Flushes Antidepressants

I know better than to believe everything I read on the internet; unless it is shared on Facebook by that opinionated mom who always seems to end up at every mom-and-tot class with me. You know the one: her kids are named Kale and Chard and she is very serious about high-fructose corn syrup and artificial food coloring. She’s thinks she is always right, which is how I know she would never share anything that had not been vetted by peer review.
Reality Moms

Puppy Surprise Is Everything Wrong With Maternity Care in America

I recently found myself wrist-deep in a dog’s uterus. (Editor’s note: Brace yourself. There’s a graphic photo below.) You see, my daughter had her sights set on one toy this Christmas. She talked about it nonstop for months. In her sprawling first grade handwriting, she wrote Santa a letter. She even drew a picture, in case he had trouble reading her words, “I want a rainbow Puppy Surprise.”
Sammiches & Psych Meds

The '2016: The Movie' Trailer Is Here and I For One Would Love a Full-Length Film

Back when we were so naive and hopeful. A time when a much larger percentage of the celebrities we love were still alive. The halcyon days of yore, when Donald Trump was still a terrible joke paving the way to our first woman president. In the hindsight show reel of 2016, we are screaming at ourselves to not open that fucking door. Don’t go in there. RUN! No matter how many times we try to warn ourselves, we know we sauntered right on into 2016 like it was our bitch.
Sammiches & Psych Meds / MockMom

Ghosts of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms Seen Leaving Trump Tower

Having already worked through the roster of vile, old, white men currently living in this country, anonymous sources reported seeing the ghosts of both Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms leaving President-elect Donald Trump’s Manhattan apartment on Sunday. Trump, speaking through his official Twitter account, added fuel to the speculation by writing, “Thurmond and Helms spent their time in the senate fighting tirelessly for the rights of straight white men. Heroes!”
Sammiches and Psych Meds / MockMom

Mother Agrees to Playdate Against Better Judgment

Durham, NC — A distraught local mother has barricaded herself in the bathroom of a nearby Chuck E. Cheese for over an hour. Authorities were alerted to the most recent disappearance of Ruby Grace when she refused to exit the third stall from the left. “I thought she might be sick. Like, maybe she had eaten a bad churro or something,” restaurant manager Cody Walters said. “Why do we even sell churros at a pizza place?” 
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