An Open Letter to Preeclampsia

"Sure, I would have preferred a nice hotel and massage, but three weeks on a intermittently-inflating bed and 5am blood draws were a close approximation. While not having to get out of bed to pee was a nice touch, I have to say that I would have liked a chance to look into what other spa services were available."
Pregnant Chicken

Shower Games That Don't Suck

What I have come to realize over the last decade of babypalooza (I’m just at that age, I suppose) is that most of you hate them, too. However, I’m sure someone is reading this and thinking, “No! I love to sniff melted chocolate in diapers! There is nothing I love more than stilted conversations as we carefully avoid saying certain words! I WIN ALL THE CLOTHESPINS.” You have fun with all that shit. Us introverts and antisocial cynics will be over on the other side of the room pretending we don’t
National Lampoon | The Humor Magazine Est 1970

Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of It has come to our attention that you have been engaged in prolonged subterfuge pursuant to the mythology of “climate change.” Your refusal to put forth a traditional winter for the period of 2016 – 2017 is in direct violation of the Climate Hoax Establishment Action Protocol (CHEAP), established January 20, 2017. The use of 80 degree days in February undermines the mission of the EPA by acknowledging the potential for measurable global warming. As you are aware, climate ch
The Huffington Post

Growth Vs Proficiency: An Illustrated Open Letter To Ms. DeVos

It became quite clear during your nomination hearing that you don’t really know that much about education. Or guns or bears or sexuality. Three of those four things seem like important topics for Secretary of Education. You really appeared to stumble when asked about growth vs proficiency. Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on education. I don’t have to. Nobody nominated me for the highest position on the subject. I will stick to analogies. I’m good at those.
Sammiches & Psych Meds

Depressed Mother Views Meme, Flushes Antidepressants

I know better than to believe everything I read on the internet; unless it is shared on Facebook by that opinionated mom who always seems to end up at every mom-and-tot class with me. You know the one: her kids are named Kale and Chard and she is very serious about high-fructose corn syrup and artificial food coloring. She’s thinks she is always right, which is how I know she would never share anything that had not been vetted by peer review.
Reality Moms

Puppy Surprise Is Everything Wrong With Maternity Care in America

I recently found myself wrist-deep in a dog’s uterus. (Editor’s note: Brace yourself. There’s a graphic photo below.) You see, my daughter had her sights set on one toy this Christmas. She talked about it nonstop for months. In her sprawling first grade handwriting, she wrote Santa a letter. She even drew a picture, in case he had trouble reading her words, “I want a rainbow Puppy Surprise.”
Sammiches & Psych Meds

The '2016: The Movie' Trailer Is Here and I For One Would Love a Full-Length Film

Back when we were so naive and hopeful. A time when a much larger percentage of the celebrities we love were still alive. The halcyon days of yore, when Donald Trump was still a terrible joke paving the way to our first woman president. In the hindsight show reel of 2016, we are screaming at ourselves to not open that fucking door. Don’t go in there. RUN! No matter how many times we try to warn ourselves, we know we sauntered right on into 2016 like it was our bitch.
Sammiches & Psych Meds / MockMom

Ghosts of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms Seen Leaving Trump Tower

Having already worked through the roster of vile, old, white men currently living in this country, anonymous sources reported seeing the ghosts of both Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms leaving President-elect Donald Trump’s Manhattan apartment on Sunday. Trump, speaking through his official Twitter account, added fuel to the speculation by writing, “Thurmond and Helms spent their time in the senate fighting tirelessly for the rights of straight white men. Heroes!”
Sammiches and Psych Meds / MockMom

Mother Agrees to Playdate Against Better Judgment

Durham, NC — A distraught local mother has barricaded herself in the bathroom of a nearby Chuck E. Cheese for over an hour. Authorities were alerted to the most recent disappearance of Ruby Grace when she refused to exit the third stall from the left. “I thought she might be sick. Like, maybe she had eaten a bad churro or something,” restaurant manager Cody Walters said. “Why do we even sell churros at a pizza place?” 
Sammiches and Psych Meds / MockMom

Wife of Local TV Weather Personality Wins Award

The Associated Press reported Tuesday that the wife of moderately popular local TV weather personality, Stormy Waters, has won a certificate. Waters, known for his outlandish costumes depicting the day’s weather, has been with WSTR News 14 since late 2015 and is a one-time nominee for a Saffir-Simpson, the award given each year to an outstanding local weather man from the tri-city area. Waters says he is proud of his wife for winning her own award...
Sammiches and Psych Meds / MockMom

Local Family Searches “Literally Everywhere” for Missing Mother

Durham, NC – Authorities were alerted Sunday night to the disappearance of frazzled mother, Ruby Grace. Last seen carrying a load of laundry to the basement, her family became concerned when dinner failed appear as if by magic. “There wasn’t a single thing to eat in the entire house,” moaned Grace’s husband, Dylan Ripley. He reenacted this harrowing realization by blankly staring into the fully-stocked fridge. “It was awful.”

Watching Hillary's DNC Speech With My Six Year Old ⋆

Seven years ago today, the second line showed up on a pregnancy test that I really did not think was going to be positive. I had been Googling all sorts of possible reasons I could have ovulated when I did, but not gotten my period. I alternated those searches with searching to see if every twinge or feeling could be a sign of early pregnancy. Pro tip: Everything can be a sign of early pregnancy if you search Dr. Google enough.
Sammiches and Psych Meds / MockMom

A Warning Letter to Sir Topham from Man in the Yellow Hat

Dear Toppy,I have been wondering how to best contact you, knowing as I do that sending correspondence in the mail would cause confusion and delay because your mail train is currently in rehab for his habit of huffing and puffing crack. Since you cut the phone lines to prevent the diesel engines from using your 56kbps modem to visit, I am left with only a faint hope that this email missive will catch your attention. I hope you have upgraded to a smartphone by now.
Sammiches and Psych Meds / MockMom

Melania Trump Responds to Plagiarism Accusations, Swears She Didn't Crib This One Either

Friends, Romans, countrymen: lend me your ears. It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and I must set the record straight. It has come to my attention that I am being accused of plager… plagia… stealing words for the speech I delivered at the Republican National Convention. I am here today to assure you that those who accuse me have seriously misunderestimated me. I am not a crook. I used words that are common to the English language, which I know because my husband said so.
Sammiches and Psych Meds / MockMom

Mother Reads Actual Book at Park, Onlookers Suspect Financial Trouble

Durham, NC – Seemingly oblivious to the stares and hushed comments, local mother Ruby Grace was recently seen reading at the park while her children, Arlo and Eliza, played quietly nearby. The 35-year-old mother of two was the subject of much speculation as she sat with her nose buried in an actual paper book. “Do you think her Kindle broke?” asked incredulous mother Sally Salsburg, proud owner of three Kindles, an iPad, an Android phone, and an obsolete Blackberry that she calls her “Crackberry” while believing to be the first to make that joke.
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